“Back Problems”

I’ll be honest, when I finally made it to my first meeting, I was there for one reason, and one reason only…back problems. My wife was on my back, my boss was on my back and I had a two ton gorilla on my back. Of course, at the time none of this occurred to me. In fact, very little occurred to me then.

In the beginning, having to go to “those meetings,” was just another way that I tried to protect my addiction. I didn’t want to stop drinking. I just wanted you and everyone else to leave me alone about it. What I really needed was to buy a little time to figure things out. I was sure that with enough time and planning I could find a way to control what had been controlling me for years.

I have to laugh. I can’t even write that without seeing my sponsor’s wry little smile and hearing him ask me, “How’d that work for you?”

Not very well. I was as miserable as I had ever been in my life. Over the years, I had exhausted all my “easier” or “softer” solutions. I had been a master apologizer. I had begged for forgiveness and asked for another chance time and time again.

Toward the end, I got people off my back by going to therapy. Don’t get me wrong…I love therapy and am convinced that the process was instrumental in my journey to recovery. My Higher Power’s sense of humor was definitely working overtime, however. Little did I know, my therapist had not only dealt with alcoholism in his own family, but had been treating people in recovery for over 15 years. I remember telling him one day that I thought I had a problem with alcohol and might be…an alcoholic. I asked him what he thought. He took a page right out of the recovery handbook and replied, “Matt, I can’t tell you if you’re an alcoholic.” Now, what I heard was “Matt, you’re not an alcoholic.” I got a few more weeks out of that one. Of course, it’s laughable today. He was just waiting for me to figure out the obvious. He knew, like the rest of us, that you “get there when you get there” and not one minute sooner.

On the way to the bottom, here’s where I found myself:  39 years old, about to lose my family, my job and everything else I claimed I held dear. But, no worries…I had a plan. I’d go to those meetings long enough to get everyone off my back. Eventually I’d get myself together and everything would be back to normal.  I’d be back hanging with my best friend, Mr. Dickel, in no time – just like always. There was one major flaw in my plan…after the first couple of meetings I went to…well, you know the story. I mean, you recovery people seem a nice enough bunch of losers but this recovery thing is not for me. I was glad it was working for you, but I’m unique…special. So, instead of going to meetings, I just drove around in a panic. Not the I’m late for a meeting panic. It was more of the what in God’s name have I done to my life I think I’ll drive into an embankment panic. Usually, I’d drive around a little over two hours – long enough to make anyone who cared think I had actually attended a meeting and stayed a few minutes afterwards to soak up the fellowship. I had even learned enough of the lingo to be able to make up what might have been discussed at the meetings I never attended.

This all sounds reasonable doesn’t it? Sane, right?

There was another flaw in my plan, too. One I couldn’t lie my way around…there was not enough time in the world for me to ever “figure it out.” I could no more stay sober than I could keep a promise. It was no longer in me. No matter how hard I tried or how good my intentions were, my disease, the insanity, was too much. All those things that I was on the verge of losing were about to be gone – all those people on my back – now didn’t care enough to even bother with me. I was alone – just me and the gorilla.

It is at this point, I imagine you are asking what in the world does this have to do with yoga.

Now, after a few 24 hours, I’ve got back problems. Seriously, back problems. In fact, the x-rays showed several fractures in one of my vertebrae (the doctor said they had been there for some time) and it seems I’ve got a pesky little disc that after years of abuse has had enough.

I mean, c’mon, I practice yoga, I’m in fairly good shape, I’m not old, this is not supposed to happen to me, I don’t have back problems. (God, this is sounding pathetic…and familiar.)

After consulting with several yogis, websites, chiropractors and a witch doctor (ok, I made that up), I understand there is a solution, but I don’t like it. It seems I need to take a thorough inventory of my body and my practice. I need to go back to the basics, start over and take it easy. I have to realize that there are certain poses I can’t do today and other ones I have to do every day. I must drop my expectations of what I think I should be able to do and do what I can today – in the moment I am in.

Once again, yoga and recovery meet.

Namaste – one day at a time.

Matt ~ a YogaVibes Ambassador